My Unfortunate Fascination with Motivation Porn

I usually disagree with people who say that self-help is crap. But I understand where they are coming from. It’s not that self-help is crap, but motivation porn is.

Some people tend to think that they are the same. But they are not. Self-help can range from a book that helps you to learn a new language to YouTube videos whose sole purpose is to shout at you and tell you that you are a loser.

I hope you can see the difference.

Well, I didn’t when I was a teen. I used to read all kinds of stuff. And I fell into the rabbit hole of motivation porn.

But something in me kept bugging me that there must be more to it. On hindsight I know there are fake gurus out there who put out contents without substance, who pretend as if motivation will see you through the finish line. But I didn’t know it then.

So, I nevertheless kept trusting these motivation gurus. And it’s no surprise that my life was stuck in stagnation for a long period of time.

Then I found some real gurus. There was a stark difference between them and the fake ones. They didn’t talk about amazing possibilities. They rather preferred to talk about scientific consensus. They didn’t try to motivate you, they urged you to research on your own and try their ideas to see if they hold.

Thus, I cut all my ties with the motivation industry. I would still sometimes see one or two of their videos just for the fun of it, but I don’t believe that they would solve any of my problems anymore.

Because procrastination is not about lack of motivation, it’s about lack of clarity. As James clear states in his amazing book ‘Atomic Habits’-

Many people think they lack motivation when what they really lack is clarity

That led me to appreciate the works of real teachers and researchers out there. People like Charles Duhigg, James Clear, Malcolm Gladwell, Dr. Jordan Peterson, Barbara Oakley etc. have helped me improve my skills and attitude.

I hated discipline so I looked for better alternatives.

I have always struggled with procrastination. It’s in my genes. I am always submitting things late, often doing them in the last possible moment. Most of my academic studies are done the day before an exam.

A few months earlier I decided to change that. I decided that I’ll do the right things at the right time. But, I couldn’t. I kept slacking off.

So, I went to the all knowing Google and asked it how I could develop discipline. The answers were plenty. The answers were helpful.

This is one Quora reader had to say: “Discipline is always hard. It’s not going to be easier even after 10 years of practice. So mind will always say no. The trick is to stop listening to the mind. Do what you have to do. Pain of discipline is the price of happiness.”

Isn’t it beautiful?

I got so moved by this message that I sprung into action. For 2 days straight I wasted no time in vain. Until I did. In the 3^rd day, my exams were over and I fell back to my usual, lazy self.

After that, I tried to adopt discipline again in my life, multiple times. But I failed. So I started looking for different ideas that could help me with my procrastination habit.

One lazy evening, I was hanging out at a friend’s dorm room. I picked up a book and started reading it. I got hooked. I kept reading the book for about 2 hours before falling asleep.

When I woke up, I realized I had come across a rare gem. This is the book that I needed. I picked up the book again and started thinking about how I would use this in my real life.

And boy o’ boy was my life changed! This book shook my entire life. I realized I didn’t need discipline. At least not the kind that we are familiar with- where you force yourself to do things.

This book helped me realize how my identity was the fuel for my actions. It taught me how I had to organize my environment to facilitate the things I want to do. It taught me how to get rid of my vices.

The book is Atomic Habits.

(You can read my book review about the book here: Atomic Habits is a must read for everyone)

Why I started my self-improvement journey

I’ve never been a popular guy. I didn’t have much luck with girls either. Nevertheless, when I was 15, I had a crush on a girl. And I proposed her.

She rejected me.

This broke me and I felt like I couldn’t live with myself anymore.

All the rejections I have had so far and all the ways in which I was not living up to my own potential and my own image of who I could be, had become too much to bear. So, I decided to kill myself.

I Went on top of the roof to jump. At the last moment, I told myself that if I’m so desperate that I can even think about not existing anymore. How about I give life another shot and this time use all my anger and desperation towards something positive. How about I prove all the people who rejected me wrong and show them that I am worth something. I started to look for someone who could help me. I had no clue. So, I searched the internet to find help. Soon. I found a website called 2knowmyself. This is a website that has articles on psychology and taught about depression love life success determination. Then I found stevepavlina.com.

Steve did experiments on himself and then published the results. He would go on a vegan diet or go polyamorous and tell the world how his life had been impacted by these decisions. This kind of lifestyle sounded fun. There was a guy who was contributing to the society while he was improving himself and exploring his own potential. That sounded fascinating. I wanted to be like him when I grow up.

Thus, started my self-improvement Journey. I started to. read a lot of books. I read Dale Carnegie to improve my social skills. I read “The magic of thinking big” to ignite my passion and make me believe that dreaming big is not only achievable but it’s also practical.

A turning point in my life was when I read “The Power of Now” that introduced me to spirituality and taught me to disidentify from my ego. Another turning point in my life came when I found out about Dr. Jordan Peterson. He taught me how to take ownership of my life and showed me how life can have meaning. I’ve never stopped reading and trying out new skills or new Lifestyles after that. And this blog is in part me trying to be somewhat like Steve Pavlina where I share my journey, so that maybe I can inspire some of you. Now when someone rejects me, I embrace the pain and thank my luck for giving me a new fuel that will keep the fire inside me burning.